My Hope
by Fivercon
Summary: The unthinkable has happened and forces Botan to confront the demons raging inside her heart. The clock is ticking as she struggles to cope with her true feelings. KB. Botan's POV. [COMPLETE]
1. A Bittersweet Reverie

Author's Note: Hello everybody! I'm sorry about my lack of Yu Yu Hakusho fics but I promised that something was coming and here it is! Unfortunately, it's only a repost. Good news is that there's a reason behind all of this! Yes, and that is because I've decided to turn this long one-shot into a multi-chapter fic! That way, your attention span won't fizzle out in the middle of it! My other reason is that I wanted to make it match the next one…more details on that later. Anyways, if you've already read this, you can read it again or wait for the next fic! If this is your first time and you actually want to read this, enjoy!

Some reviewer responses down at the bottom!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. All characters are owned by the talented Yoshihiro Togashi.

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A Bittersweet Reverie

The day was hot, well, as hot as it gets in Reikai. My pink kimono felt uncomfortable on me as I decided to fly back to Ningenkai to escape the heat. I mounted my oar and rose into the sky, hoping that the breeze could freshen my spirit. I sailed through the air purposely diving into the clouds. A favorite pastime of mine was to feel their soft touch brush against my cheek. I let out a much needed yawn and stayed at the spot for a second, toying with the cloud when a beeping sound jerked me back to reality…back to my job. I hastily pulled out the communicator and pushed it open. Expecting it to be Koenma telling me to carry out yet another errand, I was startled to see that it wasn't him.

"Botan, It's me Ayame." The picture of a pretty young woman with raven hair held back into a bun looked back at me with impatience.

I sighed and nodded. "Yes, I know. I can see you through the screen."

"Botan, where have you been? I would have expected you to be on duty or helping me out now since I have been promoted."

I gritted my teeth knowing that she was taking full advantage of her new _promotion_.

Four months ago…

"Today's the day Ayame!" I hopped into her dressing room. Ayame was in front of the mirror adjusting her headdress.

"Yeah…" she seemed nervous but excited. She fumbled with the veil but couldn't get it to the back.

"Aw, come on. Don't be such a downer!" I flashed her my biggest smile and jumped over the bed to assist her.

"Wow Botan, you're pretty agile in that dress." Ayame commented. I looked down at my dress and laughed. I was wearing a beautiful deep red sleeveless dress to my knees, and though modesty was an important part of me, I had to admit it looked pretty good. I reached for the veil and straightened it out. Ayame looked absolutely radiant. Her wedding gown was beautiful. It had a long skirt that swished and flowed but easy for the wearer to move around. The shade was a soft pearl color with long cascading sleeves that flowed to the floor. And to top the image, a royal headdress only fit for the future Queen of Reikai, delicately trailed to the floor.

Ayame thanked me and added shyly, "You know Botan, I really have to thank you and your friends. If it weren't for-"

My modesty back into its usual mode, I put up my hand and said, "Say no more. No need to thank us. Just make sure your kids know me as Aunt Botan. And of course there's Aunt Keiko, Aunt Yukina, Aunt Hinageshi, Uncle Yusuke, Uncle Kurama, Uncle Kuwabara and last but not least Uncle Hiei."

It was funny but true; we had all set Ayame and Koenma up. It had been my idea since Koenma had been so caught up in his work. I wanted to give him a little break without him actually realizing anything was going on. Following through with my plan, I proceeded to tell my friends about the mischievous scheme I had been concocting.

Of course the girls were excited about it as I was. The guys however, were a little reluctant but eventually, gave in anyway. Keiko and Yukina worked out the final details of the plan. Me, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama and Hiei (believe it or not), had carried it out. I had known Ayame and Koenma had something for each other but being the shy and stubborn people they were, they would never admit it.

So the plan was that Ayame would receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers that would "magically" bloom when she picked it up. Of course Kurama was the only person I could ask and entrust this vital step. He agreed immediately and got to work on it right away. When the bouquet was ready, Kuwabara and Yusuke had distracted Koenma while Hinageshi and I would do the same with Ayame. And while that was happening, Hiei would deliver the flowers to her room. It took quite a bit of persuasion for him to actually agree to do it. The situation wasn't pleasant as it involved an ecstatic Kuwabara and an unknowing Yukina… Anyway, I had just thought that they would finally be in a courtship but the whole scheme ended up with a proposal and an engagement ring from Koenma!

So that might have been the reason why I was so excited to see the couple finally get married.

"All you needed was a little nudging." I teased. I looked in the mirror myself to see how I looked. My hair was left down for a change with a white flower clasped back in the middle.

I sighed, "Let's go make your dream come true." I quickly grabbed my bouquet, took her hand and we both left in high and anticipating spirits.

In the back room I saw my other beautiful fellow bridesmaids and the handsome groomsmen. Keiko, Yukina and Hinageshi looked gorgeous. Keiko had put her hair up in a bun complete with a white flower, same along with Yukina. On the other side of the room were Yusuke, Kuwabara, George and Kurama all looking very handsome in their tuxedoes. Yusuke had his hair slicked back as usual. Though the tux framed his figure well, he looked very uncomfortable. Kuwabara looked a little stiff but the tuxedo fitted his manly physique and suited his air of romance. George was definitely peeved since he was not use to wearing anything but a loincloth.

I had to suppress a laugh at the thought when my eye caught Kurama. He looked utterly striking in his tuxedo. It fit his slender form flawlessly. The black hue of the tux made his flaming red hair stand out especially with his remarkable green eyes. I would be lying if I said that my heart didn't skip a bit. Trying to get my mind back to the important matter at hand, I looked around for the last member of the team but Hiei, of course, would never be a part of the wedding so he decided not to participate. But I still had a haunch he was somewhere around.

Since Koenma and Ayame didn't care who partnered up with whom, Yusuke went with Keiko, Kuwabara went with Yukina, George went with Hinageshi and I partnered up with Kurama.

When the music suddenly started, Kurama offered his arm to me. "Ready?" he asked.

"Yup!" I said happily and put my arm on his sleeve. We were the first pair so we proceeded to walk down the aisle. When I saw the decorations, I let out a little gasp. Delicate pink and white flowers hung everywhere. Each flower had real dewdrops hanging on it perfecting their fine quality. Accompanying the flowers were little fragile green leaves that wrapped around each petal with miniscule but incredible detail. Even the candles had their share of the floral arrangement. I was completely taken aback by the carefulness and expertise of it all, but then again, it was Kurama.

It seemed as though everyone showed up to be with Koenma on his special day. The many faces held the same quiet expression of happiness as my eyes glanced around taking in the beautiful scene before me. I couldn't help feeling a little overwhelmed by it all.

"You did an amazing job Kurama. No, you outdid yourself." I murmured out of the corner of my mouth.

"Glad you like them." He barely whispered. "After all, the King of Reikai is getting married."

I couldn't help feeling a little flustered as I walked down the wedding aisle with Kurama. I've always loved pairing other people together but when it came to me; well let's just say that was an entirely different subject… So there we were walking down the aisle arm in arm… I shook the thought out of my head as we parted.

I saw Koenma standing right below the stairs. He looked very handsome in his tuxedo. Pacifier gone and teenage form donned, he had the impression of a very serious and powerful ruler but I knew otherwise. He was my impatient and childish superior but also a good friend who was about to take the next step in his life or rather, existence. Unfortunately, he also looked a little nervous; his shoulders were trembling and his complexion looked a bit pale. But I knew it was the excitement of expecting his future wife to be descending down the aisle any moment. With each step, they were closer to their destiny together.

As each one took their place and wedding vows were exchanged, time seemed to slow itself down so that the ruler of Reikai could enjoy the everlasting moment. My fellow bridesmaids and the groomsmen each took our part in the ceremony and it was a wonderful feeling to see my best friends be able to share this joyous occasion together.

Being in the midst of love and hope made me realize that it was never too late to find the love of your life, even if you are in the Spirit World. But another voice rose to contradict it: _The real issue is the circumstance of your power._ I felt angry with myself for thinking such things but deep in my heart I knew it was true. I knew it was too late for me to ever have the chance to love again, being that I was the Deity of Death. My chance passed long ago and with my current standings, it was impossible. No matter how much I wanted to be in a relationship, I knew that my chance would never come to pass. But even so, there was nothing to stop me from being drawn toward a certain person…

After the couple finished making their vows and we began to process out, Kurama once again offered his arm and we walked out of the hall. Of course the reception was to take place and I knew that that was where all of the fiasco was to begin. As soon as we arrived, Yusuke and Kuwabara unbuttoned their collars and bowties and began grabbing the nearest champagne bottles. Right away the room was filled with laughter and the merry sound of clinking glass. Koenma and Ayame were the center of attention so naturally everyone wanted to congratulate them. I was no exception so I made my way through the crowd to find them arm in arm. After giving them both big bear hugs, I turned to Koenma. "So I'm guessing you will be staying in your teenage form for good now?"

"Of course Botan, I've got to look good for my wife!" he teased back in return, though I knew he was partly being serious. I grinned then turned to Ayame.

"Now you make sure he still does his job!" I joked.

Ayame stared at me for a second and then gave me a smile that didn't seem to fully show her feelings. "Right, I'll make sure he does."

Next thing I knew, I was pushed to the back of the crowd. Even though that comment caught me a little off guard, the rest of the night seemed to go on fine otherwise. There was much merriment and dancing with many couples twirling on the dance floor like lacy umbrellas in a sweet summer breeze. Despite the blissful celebration, I felt a little uneasy so I settled myself to a corner of the room. My thoughts carried me out of the glowing celebration and wandered into oblivion when I suddenly saw Kurama making his way toward me.

"What's the matter Botan? Are you tired already?" he asked and drew up a chair next to mine. Strange that he would ask me that since he himself seemed tired.

"Oh yeah, I guess so. But being a part of their wedding was something I would never miss for the world."

"Yes, I agree. It is nice to see them finally being with the one they care for most." He smiled and looked over at the couple, now being teased by the infamous pair: Yusuke and Kuwabara.

"I think everyone should have someone to be with…Life definitely wouldn't be lonely…" I trailed off and sank back to my own thoughts. After a moment, I realized Kurama was looking at me with a somewhat mysterious look in his eyes. I quickly fixed my gaze upon the champagne glass in my hand and blushed. Berating myself, I desperately searched for a topic to go off on. I certainly did not want to speak my feelings to anyone and more to it; I didn't want to bother Kurama. He was never interested in that kind of thing and was perfectly content with his life.

As he sat there, a thought crossed my mind that he would probably remain a bachelor for a while. I busied myself with my drink still feeling the heat rise in my face. _Why was I feeling like this? Kurama had always been a close friend…was I just feeling like this because of the atmosphere of the wedding?_

Then suddenly a beautiful song came on. Obviously sensing the tension, Kurama cleared his throat, stood up and held out his hand. He gave me a genuinely charming smile and said, "May I please have this dance?"

I must have blushed even redder but I was glad to have the uncomfortable silence broken. I nodded and accepted his hand's invitation. He led the way to the dance floor and we were soon among the colorful throng of people. Thanking Lady Luck for stopping the awkwardness of a few moments ago, I prayed that I wouldn't make a fool of myself during the dance. It seemed that my prayer went through as I knowingly placed my left hand on his shoulder and guided the other to join with Kurama's. He put his right hand on my waist and we began to flow along with the music.

At first, I felt a little embarrassed but Kurama was an excellent dancer and I was soon very comfortable swaying to the melody with him. Close to us, I saw Keiko and Yusuke dancing. Yusuke was looking a little uneasy so I couldn't help but laugh at his misery. To my surprise, I heard Kurama join me as he followed my glance.

"Yes, I see Keiko has forced Yusuke into a situation he cannot refuse." He chuckled a bit and then smiled at me. I unintentionally caught his eyes and was mesmerized by his intense emerald orbs. They held my own captive and I felt myself lost in those deep, knowing pools. It was a while before I finally managed to avert my gaze.

"This is a very lovely song." I said trying to strike up a conversation and hoping that he didn't notice the heated blush creep up into my face once again.

"It's called Canon in D from Pachebel." He answered casually. "Actually, I was the one who suggested it to Koenma. It's a very typical wedding song in Ningenkai."

"The song is very peaceful." I closed my eyes for a second to enjoy the music and to let it calm me. Being with Kurama really felt natural and I wondered why it never occurred to me before. Maybe it was because he was always such a gentleman and maybe it was because I unconsciously thought that he preferred to be alone; that he'd rather not have someone by his side. Through all of our years being together, we've never done anything like this and it was a surprising comfort to be in his company.

As the song ended, we separated (reluctantly on my part), and I stood back to watch everyone else continue their graceful twirls on the gleaming dance floor with the specks of light showering the couples with their luminescent glow. This was definitely one night I would never forget.

Kurama then turned to me and said, "Well, thank you for the dance Botan, but I must be leaving now." He nodded and made his way to the door behind us.

Because I was a little flustered by his sudden departure it was several moments before I figured that I wanted to express my gratitude. I knew that without him, the memorable night wouldn't have been half as special…

"Wait!" I called and hurried out after him. Kurama had heard me and was waiting for me several steps down the flight of stairs that led into the main hall of the Reikai Palace. The night sky truly made his eyes sparkle as he once again looked at me. "Thank you Kurama, you really made tonight wonderful for me. Goodnight." I was sure that I was just as surprised as he when I leaned up and gave him a swift kiss on the cheek. His eyes widened a little, then he smiled.

Suddenly and swiftly he reached into his hair and produced a beautiful lavender rosebud. He handed it to me and said, "You're welcome Botan. Though I could say the same about you." I smiled and took the flower. Then he turned and walked down the steep steps.

I sighed and sat down on the edge of a nearby fountain, the small flower clutched in my hand. The water was mesmerizing as it shimmered with the light of the golden room inside. Its ripples were forever flowing, causing my reflection to become deformed as if it were a hazy memory on the surface of the mirror-like water. Depressing as it was to compare my reflection to such a sad thought which matched my troubled feelings a few hours ago, I found a pleasant surprise as I gazed down into the water. The rosebud Kurama had given me was the exact color of my eyes! When I took a closer look at the flower, it suddenly bloomed and engulfed me with its incomparable perfume. I quickly looked back down the steps but he was gone.

Deciding to rejoin the party, I got up, glanced back into the bright room and realized the unexpected feeling of satisfaction.

I didn't feel lonely again that night. The only feelings stirring about in my heart were about Kurama and that I realized I might have had feelings for him all along. Maybe he was the one I felt so close to… The thought made my heart pound but also made me think that I _was _able to find someone, though I didn't know how he felt about me. So that night I was in high spirits and thought that things could only become better from then on.

But that was before I knew how Ayame would become…

I knew I wasn't the only one who felt irritated at the result of the marriage. Rumors and gossip had spread like wildfire through Reikai and it made me feel paranoid and worried. Recently, false accusations and alleged crimes were always the topics whispered around the corners and many mistrusting eyes had their glares fixed on Ayame, the Queen of Reikai.

There was a rumor that she only got married to have the highest possible status. At first, I dismissed it as a shocking but entirely untrue rumor but recently, I felt my suspicions leaning toward the majority and I hated the fact that I would even consider that to be true of my friend. The gossip only enforced the part of my mind that I was ashamed of. That was why I felt I needed to escape to Ningenkai…to a place where the safe feeling of reassurance comforted me; a place where I knew I could be close to him.

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E/N: I did make some changes to the story here so that it would feel a little more like a chapter fic. Here's hoping that it does feel like one! Oh and now I would like to take the time and thank my wonderful reviewers!

**Ice Witch 101:** Thanks a million! You are my absolute first reviewer ever! I can't tell you how ecstatic I was when I read my first couple of reviews, your being one of them of course! I'm glad that you love my story. This one is pretty much finished for now…unless you count the "new chapters" I'm going to post. Love it that you put this fic on your favorites list!

**kasadi:** Thanks a bunch! You are one of my first reviewers too! I swear you and the other people just made my day when you reviewed! It was just a feeling that was so great since I was hoping for reviews ever since I wrote this fic two years ago! I hope you'll continue to read my future KB fics which, I promise, there will be!

**Hirui:** My first third reviewer! Did that make sense? Sorry, I'm just trying to express my thanks to each and every one of the reviewers for this fic since it was my first one after all! Yeah, Ayame was a bit OOC. Hmmm, in a lot of the reviews, there were a lot of…how shall I say this…negative feelings toward Ayame. I feel kind of bad since I really don't hate her or anything, it's just that she was the only person who could carry out that role. Hmmm…I won't elaborate much on this for now but something is coming after this fic and I hope you'll read it!

**Fruit is NOT a Dessert:** Thanks so much for reviewing my fic! Just saying thanks since this was my first fic ever and getting reviews was so great! Glad you liked the story!

**Scented Feathers:** I guess I achieved my goal of making this story sad right? It just makes me so happy to know that someone was touched by my story so thanks so much! Oh and also for putting it on your favorites list too!

**A lilmatchgirl:** Glad to know there's another "shameless Kur/Bot fanatic" out there! The ending for Kurama and Botan was a little rushed and I probably would change it if I wanted to write it over but it's all good, just a step in the writing process. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you'll read my future KB fics!

**Kitsune of Darkness:** I can definitely tell you're another KB fanatic right? Always great to find a fellow fanatic! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you'll keep an eye out for the "sequel" to this fic!

**Maverick48:** I know you changed your name so I'm just following along here. Thanks for reviewing and being my beta-reader. Well, technically you're my YYH fic beta-reader since you're only a die-hard fan of this series! I guess I should be a little envious of your loyalty! I'm glad we can exchange ideas and feedback between our fics since yours is pretty cool too!

**Scarlet Amaranth:** Thank you for reading! There will be something that continues to this but it isn't written yet. It's all in my mind but it will eventually be written and when I finally get around to posting it, I hope you'll read it!

**Little Minamino:** For now I'm stopping there…but don't worry, something is on its way and I hope you'll read it when it's out! Thanks so much for reading this fic and putting it on your favorites list!

**Shy-Lil-Dreamer:** Yes, I completely agree with you there! It's so sad to see that the number of KB fics are lessening but I'll try to continue with them even if they're only small installments at long intervals! Yes, I am continuing and thanks a lot for reading!

**Madam Spooky:** Thank you! Yes, I will be continuing this and be sure to read it when it's out!

**AngelloreXx:** I'm so glad that you liked the party scene! It is a favorite part of mine -! Thanks and I hope you read my next fic!

Whew! I finally got around to thanking all of you! You're my first batch of reviewers ever and I appreciate it so much! I love all of my reviewers for every one of my fics so I'm just going a little crazy here! Wow, this sounds like the end of the story huh? Well, it's not so um…on to the next chapter!


	2. My Desperate Plea

Author's Note: Hey everyone! Here is the second chapter of the three-shot. Once again, I've made some changes (hopefully for the better) so check them out if you want. This is not an update really; it's just that I've cut this fic into three parts so that it'll be shorter and easier to read. I've more or less explained that in the first chapter so go there and read it! Anyways, enjoy the new and improved second chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. All characters are owned by the talented Yoshihiro Togashi.

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My Desperate Plea 

"Koenma needs to speak to you it's very important. It concerns _my_ new idea. You must be back-"

I had snapped the communicator closed. Although I knew that it had infuriated her and that I would be punished for it later, I felt that it was satisfyingly well worth it. As for the important matter with Koenma, I felt a little uneasy. Lately, whenever Koenma called me, it was usually to deliver papers or to send messages to other people in Reikai. I had seen very little of my friends in Ningenkai. For reasons I did not know, Koenma and Ayame had been discussing a lot about the matters between the three worlds. However, I did know that Koenma adores his new bride and would hang onto her every word…

I looked wistfully to the portal that led into the human world before I turned my oar around to go back to the palace. When I arrived, I noticed that no one was around. Usually, the place was very busy and full of colorful ogres running about, doing their business and the hall would look, as Yusuke would put it, "like a stock market". But now, the place was empty and the silence was foreboding. I tried to push aside the thought but with no use. Of the hundreds of years I worked here, this had never happened. I decided to have a look around and try to find someone who could fill me in. I poked my head around the corner to the usual spot where George would be. No one was there. So then I proceeded to open the door to the Koenma's office. Empty.

_That's not a good sign. He is always there. _

"Botan!" I spun around at the call of my name. It was Hinageshi coming around the corner.

"Hey. Where is everybody?" I asked, glad to have found someone.

"They are all in the Great Hall. Come on. Ayame said it's urgent," She stopped and rolled her eyes. "Oh right. _Lady_ Ayame. How could I have forgotten?" Hinageshi grumbled.

We both made our way to the Great Hall where everyone was standing around the podium where Koenma and Ayame were apparently about to give some kind of announcement. After us, came a couple more of ogres and then finally George who closed the door behind him.

"That's it then, let's get started." Koenma was in his teenage form. From what I could see he looked very tired and even a little sad. I looked at Hinageshi who shrugged and we both turned our attention back to the podium.

"The reason why I called all of you here is to tell you that I uh, we," He indicated toward Ayame. "Have decided to permanently seal the three worlds. We've been planning this for a long time and it is time to put it in action." I stood frozen to my spot. _What did he say?_ Everyone began murmuring and discussing the new proposal. "Everyone please listen-" But no one paid attention to him.

"Listen up!" The murmuring ceased. I looked up and saw Ayame pushing Koenma aside and taking her spot at the podium. "The reason we are doing this is because there will be no more trouble caused by people or creatures being in the wrong places. Everyone will belong to his or her own worlds. Problems have called for a new improvement. Yes?" A red ogre just raised his hand.

"But what about the souls? How will they be delivered to Reikai?"

"As I have said before, this is a new system where the souls will be transported here themselves. There will be no need for a ferry girl. We must look to the future!" Ayame glanced over to me and gave me a triumphant smirk. I gaped at her and felt my eyes stinging. My heart began to beat faster and faster. My heart's racing caused me to become irrational and I searched for someone to blame.

_Was I even being unreasonable though? I couldn't believe Koenma had let her take over! He let her overrun his life. This was his fault! Their fault! My friends. How will I see them? How will I ever see _him_? Will I ever see _him_ again? Is it already too late for anything?_

It was all I could think about.

The argument rose to an incredible level but I couldn't hear any of it. All I could think about was that I would not see my friends anymore, not being able to see Kurama... My chance of finally being with someone was gone. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I quietly opened the door and slipped out. With this insane declaration I had come to realize that I had always loved him. A desperate situation finally overthrew my anxieties yet with an ironic twist: it was too late.

My doubts and worries had covered up my true feelings. The silence outside made me feel even lonelier. A tear escaped and fell down my cheek and suddenly I felt I couldn't hold it back any longer, the tears streamed down my face as I ran down the corridor. The once shining palace that held such fond memories on that night seemed nothing more than the bittersweet effect of a dream come true, and the hard reality to face when the mind was once again awoken.

The golden lights, sweet music, tinkling of glass, swirls of dresses, my hand in his, the caring gaze and dance we shared, all the things I remembered so vividly and kept dear in my heart were quickly losing their details as I rushed out to the front steps. They were becoming blurred and messy like my reflection on the water that night and this time, there would be no surprise to lift me from this reality.

I finally burst out of that accursed place. I whipped out my oar and jumped on. The hot air had died down and was replaced by a cold breeze that did nothing to ease the burning anger inside my chest as I flew on.

It was only a short while ago that I realized I finally had the chance to feel affection for someone, to feel that I wasn't alone in this world. Since then, I had formed a little picture in my heart that Kurama was the one. No, I wasn't just being desperate, my true feelings had surfaced and by the time I had discovered them, the hopes of me being with him were dashed away.

But I was kidding myself.

_How could I have even dreamed of us being together? I didn't even know how he felt about me._ He was probably just being a gentleman like he always was. _How could he even love me? _I knew there was his youko side. The side of the cold, heartless kitsune thief forever filled with the desire of the thrill of the hunt and the call of Makai. I wasn't sure how I would ever affect his feelings…No matter how I thought of it, everything seemed to be against me. Even in my life before I was a ferry girl, I didn't find love. Though my life had been short, I lived long enough to see and want someone to be with and I've carried that feeling with me till now. Centuries later. It has always been a part of me that I could never have gotten rid of. And just when I had given up my fantasy, Kurama came and showed me that there was still hope.

I despised Ayame along with Koenma and finally with myself for not being able to seize the opportunities that passed me by. How ironic that my idea of spawning a relationship would end the chance of my own.

I didn't know how long I cried but by the time I came back the palace was back to how it was though it was quiet. Much more quiet.

As I stepped in, Hinageshi tapped me on the shoulder and told me I was to see Koenma in his office. She looked angry and frustrated but she realized I was hurt. "Are you alright Botan?" I didn't say anything and looked at the floor, swearing that I was not going to shed a single tear. I made my way around her forced the door open to reveal Koenma.

"Botan, please come here." Koenma said motioning his hand. Up close I could see the dark circles under his eyes. "Botan I know this must be hard for you. But I need you to tell Yusuke and the others the news. I plan to complete the seal tonight at midnight. And you won't be able to have a human form anymore. You'll just be the spirit you were before."

I couldn't hold it back my seething questions any longer. "Koenma, why are you doing this? Isn't there any other way? What's wrong with keeping the things the way they are now?" I couldn't bring myself to tell him my true feelings. I knew he would just dismiss them as a silly girl's dream.

Koenma sat down and sighed as if he had expected this to happen. "Botan, listen. I know you care for your friends-"

"They're your friends too!" I protested.

"But think of it this way." He continued, looking thoughtful. "They can all live a peaceful life this way. No more fights with demons and protecting the world-"

"Where did you find the power to do this? I thought it was impossible to keep all three worlds completely separated!" I interrupted, not caring for my usual manners. Koenma sighed and sat back in his chair.

"I asked my father if he would use the forbidden spell." Truth be told, I was completely surprised at the news. I had never heard of this forbidden spell before and wondered why Koenma didn't use it before in some of the dire cases.

"I know what you're thinking about Botan." He said as he read my expression. "Only my father could have done this because it required a huge amount of power….and sacrifice."

"Sacrifice?"

"Yes, my father had to relinquish most of his power as the lord of the underworld. His existence will end soon…" Koenma stood up and turned away so that his features were hidden from me. "This is why I am now the King of Reikai."

I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Standing there in Koenma's office, I felt that the floor had liquefied and turned into lead. Trapping me there. Trapping me in Reikai.

"And you're doing all of this because of Ayame?" I asked. My body began to tremble as I averted my gaze to the floor. The tiles seemed malleable and unfocused as tears clouded my vision but I willed myself not to let even one escape.

"I'm doing this for all of us!" Koenma turned around. His haggard appearance was clearer than ever as he stood there with his clenched fists. "My father is going to die, disappear and I'm agreeing with this because this is the only path to true peace that I know. This is for every single being in this world's existence. Every single world's existence for that matter!"

Despite his sudden outburst and truthful explanation, I remained steadfast in what I felt. "And what would you know about true peace?" There was a sickening silence as I glared at the once proud prince I had looked up to and believed in.

"Really Botan, you are being selfish." A voice spoke up behind me. It was Ayame. She wore a smug look on her face.

Knowing that this was my last chance, I succumbed to this last and desperate plan. I had to ask her. I had to try every option. "Lady Ayame, please reconsider this. You're taking away my job…"

"I know what you're trying to do. That is just an excuse to socialize with those friends of yours and some of them demons."

I suddenly felt another surge of anger swell up within me. "You don't know anything about them! They helped save the world many times and they did their best in service to everyone, to Koenma and to you!"

"I _know_ that they are a bunch of thugs, and two ex convicts; one a dangerous fire demon and another a notorious fox thief. Well, what's done is done. They did their task and I will do what I have to, in order to make things go smoother around here."

Koenma stood up and went between us. "Stop please. I'll explain it to her. Your idea is fine and I completely agree with you."

At that moment I felt hatred toward the both of them that I'd never felt before. "YOU! I thought you had more sense than to let her take advantage of you like that!" I shouted. My rage had finally reached it peak and my head felt dizzy. "The three worlds have existed all of these millennia together and when things were out of control, there were those who would step up and take on the role of hero for Ningenkai and Reikai. To look for the proof, all you have to is look at the Urameshi Team; a team that's comprised of beings from both the human and demon world! There is no doubt how strong their bond is! And you," I pointed a finger at Ayame "Don't you dare talk about my friends like that."

I turned around and stormed out of the office. Not caring who I was in my way, I shakily ran toward the front steps. A moment later, I noticed someone behind me. Turning around, I saw Ayame standing with her arms crossed. I had to ask her why she had to do this.

"Ayame, how come you're doing this? What do you want?" I asked facing her.

"I told you before, this whole idea will benefit everyone. I'm not going to change it just for you to be able to meet with your friends. This isn't a matter of simply you, Botan. This _is_ for the best." With a note of finality she averted her gaze.

"But-" I started but Ayame had turned back to the palace. I could have sworn I heard her mutter,

"And besides, those Reikai Tantei will leave my Koenma alone." I shook my head in disbelief. _She_ was being selfish herself, wanting Koenma devoted only to her. I turned away.

Once again, I mounted my oar and rode straight to the portal. I didn't want to waste any more time. I needed to go to Ningenkai; needed to go for the last time. As I passed through the familiar portal that connected our worlds, I saw the yellow sky change into a beautiful sapphire.

It was clearly nighttime. I glanced at a clock, eleven forty. Only twenty minutes to midnight.

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E/N: Well, it's safe to say that the next chapter will be the finale! Thanks for reading and I hoped you enjoyed it! 


	3. Our Final Parting

Author's Note: So this is it for "My Hope" and thanks to all who've read or re-read this fic! Now on to the final chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. All characters are owned by the talented Yoshihiro Togashi.

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Our Final Parting 

Even though I was racing through the night sky, my thoughts ran faster than my oar could ever carry me.

_This is so stupid! How am I supposed to round everyone up and tell him or her that I'll never be able to see them again in twenty stupid minutes?_

I stopped my train of thought and smiled at mysudden outburst.

_Wow, I'm starting to sound like Yusuke. I guess all I can really do is to find one person, say my goodbyes and everything so that way they'll all be able to get a goodbye. _

I knew I had to go Kurama's place and tell him my feelings. Alhough I felt guilty for not choosing anyone else, I knew that this was my last chance and I couldn't let it pass by too…

"Okay." I steadied my shaking frame and sped to Kurama's house. I knew his room had a window so I hovered just outside. Despite the dire situation and the amount of time I had my hesitation could not be suppressed.

Even though Kurama and I had always been good friends, I had never been to his house before. I blushed a little knowing he was asleep inside and that I was about to wake him. But the matter at hand made me gather up my courage as I gently tapped at the window. At first I thought it was a little too loud but no one answered. Gathering the little scraps of courage left, I tapped harder.

"Kurama. Kurama open the window!" I said in a soft voice yet audible voice butstill no one answered.

_Great! He's gone! How in the world am I supposed to find him now?_

Dejected, I turned my oar around so fast it hit the window with a loud knock that almost sent me flying off my oar. Suddenly a light came on and a sleepy looking Kurama came and stood by his window.

There he was. The person I had come to see. I couldn't help but smile at the light gray pajamas and the sleepy expression on his handsome face. Kurama rubbed his eyes and when it seemed to register that a ferry girl was just floating three stories up in midair, he opened them a little wider allowing me to greet the tired viridian eyes for the last time. He hastily opened the window.

"Botan? What are you doing here?" Kurama asked as moved aside for me to come in.

"Wow, Kurama you're more of a heavy sleeper than I thought!" Icommented in anattempt to sidestep his question. I was trying to cheer myself up a bit by trying to crack some small joke of a comment but it didn't help much. Taking a deep breath, I began to make my way through the window which was surprisingly harder than it sounded. There was a seat beneath the window but it was surprisingly full of little stuffed animals and thinking that these were very important to him, I didn't want to step on these "treasures". Even with the urgent news I came here to tell him, I couldn't bring myself to trample on these.

It seemed Kurama always brought the best out in me.

"Here, let me help you." He held out his hand to take my own. My heart began to beat faster remembering that he'd done the same back at the wedding… With his other hand he made a movement to push all the stuffed animals away to make a way for me.

"Oh! It's all right Kurama. You don't have to move them." I didn't want to trouble him further so I put one foot on the sill and stood up to jump the step when my head hit the top of the window causing me to lose both my footing and grip on the oar. I gasped and closed my eyes, waiting for the impact but it never came.

I felt two strong arms catch me and I looked up and saw Kurama looking over me with concern in his eyes. Once again there was that ferocious blush that seem to come quite often now and it seemed to dull my grace and senses even further. "Umm…sorry about that Kurama." I mumbled and tried to pull my self together. I quickly got up from the embarrassing position and rubbed my sore head.

"Are you alright Botan?" he asked as he sat down at his desk. His eyes still looked concerned as I shook my head a little. The heat multiplied ten fold as I berated myself for being clumsy, even at our last meeting.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night." I apologized and glanced at the clock on his beside table, it read: eleven forty-five. I only had fifteen minutes.

Kurama made a gesture for me to sit down on his bed. I obeyed and sat down at the foot of his bed but I could still feel the warmth where he had laid.

"So what's the matter Botan?" He asked rubbing his eyes. It seemed he was unusually tired…

I hesitated then said, " Koenma has decided to seal off the three worlds. Permanently." I looked up to see Kurama. His brilliant green eyes widened, abandoning all signs of fatigue then frowned and looked at the floor.

"Do you know why Botan?" He asked his voice a little restrained.

"Something about everything being made easier. It's all Ayame's idea but Koenma agrees with her. He says they're in it together." I sighed and busied myself with a fold of my kimono. Once again the thought of leaving everyone made me miserable again. But now since I was in the company of Kurama, I felt it much harder to face what was about to come. Tears welled up in my eyes again, but I was determined to keep them in. "He's planning to complete the seal tonight at midnight."

"Tonight?" Kurama asked a little disbelievingly. "So that means…"

"I'll never be able to see you again…" As I said these words, they stung me. My heart began to race because I knew I only had less than fifteen precious minutes to be with him…And that I had to tell him how I felt.

"Botan, I-" Kurama suddenly began but I cut him off.

"I wanted to thank you for that rose you gave me…I noticed it matched my eyes perfectly…" I silently groaned and cursed. My mouth said something completely different from what I wanted to say. Kurama looked at me and gave me a small grin.

"Well, I didn't think you'd noticed." He said.

I couldn't postpone this any longer. "Kurama, I have to tell you something…um…" I was so afraid to tell him but I knew that if I didn't, I'd be even more wretched back in Reikai. I could not let this go unfulfilled. Whatever awaited me, whether it be rejection or disgust, I knew that this was my part to be played. I didn't care about his answer, all that mattered was that I wanted him to know, to realize that the emotions within me all this time were all for him. I knew it was a little selfish but I didn't care how it would affect him. All I knew was that if I let this moment pass without ever baring my love for him, I could never live with myself.

"Kurama…I…" I stammered. The words were on the tip of my tongue. I refuse to exist with nothing but the regret in my heart. Kurama was gazing at me with an intense look. I averted my gaze to the floor and then shut my eyes. I knew that it was now or never…I wanted him to know… "I- I… I love you."

There was a long silence between us. I kept my eyes shut hoping that it would somehow freeze time and that darkness would envelop me. Paralyzed with the shock of having completed my task, I couldn't bear to open my eyes and see what he…Suddenly I felt hands take my own and pull me to my feet. When I gritted my teeth and finally opened my eyes, I saw Kurama in front of me. He looked down at me with a look of sadness. My eyes started to water again and this time, no matter how hard I tried to contain thetears,I couldn't hold it back any more. The dam was broken, I had told him what I needed to. There was nothing I could do. Nothing to make the pain of his look of pity, go away. Yet, I was satisfied. Grim satisfaction.

The tears slid down my face and I made an attempt to wipe them off but his hand reached there first. I knew he didn't love me back. But my part was over and all I had to do was leave. These last moments were between friends of course. How many toils had we endured together?

Him as a comrade of Yusuke, battling countless wars with intelligence, strength, compassion and love. Me, there by his side, cheering him on and sharing my support through his victories and life and death situations. Every time he shared his wisdom and generosity, my admiration for him had grown stronger. Even when conned by conniving foes, he had triumphed. Always conflicting with his greatest enemy: himself, as he struggled to search for the real purpose of his existence.

I had never known anyone like him.

I only hoped that his resilience would serve as a beacon for me in the inevitable life that was speeding toward me; an inescapable life without him. He gently wiped away my tears with the side of his finger, a gesture I appreciated but could not help but cringe with the unbearable silence.

My heat was beating faster and faster by the second. The silence seemedto pulse with a rythmnin my ears and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. I began to draw away from him but found that I couldn't. He put one hand on my shoulder and the other one tilted my chin up so I could face him. And he finally spoke.

"Me too."

"What?" I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I stared straight into his emerald eyes. They held a look of sincerity, compassion and …love? He then began to lean in and I was still too shock to move. Then his lips touched mine and for a whole moment I felt nothing. But then that nothingness melted into something I couldn't describe nor can I now...all I knew was that he loved me.

Kurama loved me.

Nothing else in the whole world mattered. The love was reciprocated and though I was a little upset with all of the suspense, there was joy like no other to know that he was right beside me, just like through all of those years that were long gone…

When we broke apart, I was laughing and crying at the same time.

"It's funny you know, I finally found you, but we have to be apart." I rubbed my eyes but the tears kept coming. The separation was drawing near. Then I felt his arms wrap around me and I was drawn into his embrace. I buried my face into his shoulder and sobbed, unable to stop.

"Botan, it's all right. Calm down. You don't want to spend our last minutes together crying now do you?" he coaxed. Hearing that, I stepped back so I could look at him. "Botan, I love you. I have been for a long timeand now that I know you love me, it makes my life complete. Even though we can't be together, I'll always keep you in my heart."

I was shocked at his sudden announcement. "Now wait, Kurama. I don't want to keep you from finding love with someone else. I don't want you to wait for me-" But he placed both hands on my shoulders.

"Botan, there will be no other for me." He said that in a firm tone enough for me to know that it was final.

"Kurama, I'll always watch over you andI'll be with you wherever you go." That was one vow I would never break. I gave him the best smile I could muster.

"Well now, it seems I have acquired a perfect Guardian Angel." Kurama gave me a huge smiled that was so unlike him I had to laugh. And it made my heart race yet again when he called me an angel. It was definitely a better change than the Grim Reaper. I felt bittersweet feelings as we stood there in our first and last embrace. One part of me thought that knowing he loved me made it harder to leave yet I was overjoyed to know that our feelings were mutual.

In what felt as though no time had passed since I'd first arrived, I felt a wave of electricity wash over me. It didn't hurt but it made me gasp in surprise.

"Are you alright Botan?" Kurama asked immediately. He took both of my hands in his again and squeezed them tight. I noticed his hands were cold… He suddenly glanced over at his clock: eleven fifty-nine. One more minute… We both looked down at my hands. My whole body began to flicker strangely…

"This is it Kurama. Please tell the others goodbye for me." I said but my voice trailed off, echoing.

"Of course." He saidand forthe first time, I saw tears fill his emerald eyes. The effect made them sparkle like jewels and I wanted to look away because of the unbearable pain. Kurama gripped my hands even tighter.

"Remember Kurama, I'll always be with you. You gave me the love that I've always hoped for. I've waited for this kind of feeling for as long as I can remember. You have been and will always be the only one for me Kurama. I love you so much." The look in his eyes made me feel as though my heart would break.

"Botan…" he whispered. And finally I leaned up to him and gave him my final kiss. I felt tremendous agony from leaving him and yet, I also felt that we would always be together. Although it wasn't physical, I knew it was there. His presence, our love, the understanding, whatever it was, I knew without a doubt that I would never be alone again.

Then a moment later, I could no longer feel him. My hand slipped through his and I passed through his body as if he were nothing at all. I saw him slowly bow his head.

_No Kurama, don't be sad…_ I thought as I felt my body beginning to float away. I didn't want to leave him there like that…but suddenly he turned around, looked straight at me and whispered.

"You'll be in my heart, Botan." It was as if he could still see me. And so, I left him there standing in his room, wearing those pajamas that never really suited the graceful warrior I knew; the sleepy-eyed fox that had been rudely awakened in the middle of the night; the gentle teaser that knew just how to rattle Hiei's cage but careful enough to not sustain any damage from the expected comeback; the dependable mind of the Urameshi team and often the guidance of its captain, Yusuke; Kuwabara's mentor and friend through the inferiority complexes that nagged the carrot-top; the one who would always be willing to give help to those who desperately needed it; my love and hero, the one who was always there. I left him only with my vow and love.

Once again, I found myself in Reikai. I was about to break down all over when I noticed that I was holding a single red rose. I smiled thinking how a gentleman can be as swift and clever as a fox. I mounted my oar still clutching the rose in my hand. As I flew back to where I needed to be, letting the familiar hot air blow my tresses across my cheek, I sighed, knowing I finally had someone who truly loved me, and knowing that made me feel content. And a glimmer of hope shone in my heart that someday we will be together.

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E/N: Wow, that took me forever to get back up. Well, that's it. Completely finished. I'm not exactly happy with it because this was written in 2003 and um…I just think that it was a little corny. Oh well, at least it's up there. But if you liked it, thanks so much! You're awesome! My self of three years younger is very happy! 

And if you're interested…be on the lookout for the next second version of this story! Only this time…it's Kurama's point of view!

I would like to thank my beta-reader Maverick48 for keeping me on a YYH mind track. You're such a loyal fan. You should update your own fic!


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